We are near the end of the summer slow-down when many yogis abandon their studio to play outdoors. But that’s not the only reason yoga classes are coming up empty. Here are nine classes you couldn’t pay me to take advertised recently in Colorado.

1. Acro Yoga. This involves hanging upside down wearing next to nothing off a strange dude’s feet, usually in broad daylight. I only hang upside from  strangers in very low light, as in the dark. After a certain age, gravity is not your friend.
2. “Reversing Our 'Curse': Revealing the key to your unbridled powerful womanhood through the magic of your monthly cycle.” Just to be clear, I can’t make this stuff up. Besides, I already reversed the curse by living past it.
3. Women-Only Yoga. I just really like men, and I like them even more in Downward Facing Dog.
4. “Body Poetry: For Experienced Teachers Seeking Extremely Advanced Poses.” Actually, I did take this class and it turned out to be about touching your toes, which I could already do.
5. Empowerment Yoga. If I was any more empowered I’d be eating my young.
6. “Piercing the Sphincter of Shiva.” I know I read this somewhere. Maybe I dreamed it? Or was it offered at Wanderlust? I think it was Kundalini Yoga, or was it Tantrick?
7. “The Womb Sourced Power of Feminine Wisdom.” Again, when it comes to my womb, nobody’s home and I like it that way.
8. Yoga for Teens. I live with them. I definitely don’t want to take yoga with them.
9. Women and, take your pick: Empowerment, Sisterhood, Grief, Community, Sensuality etc.  Again, I just really, really like men. And we wonder why more don’t come to yoga?

And one class I’d like to take:

“Restorative yoga for the hung-over mom, who stayed out too late, ate way too much gluten-filled pasta, and generally feels like crap.”  And if there’s a man in the room who still thinks she’s hot, then even better.

Let me know if you find it.

Michelle Berman Marchildon is the Yogi Muse. Michelle is the author of “Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga,” and a Columnist for Elephant Journal and Origin Magazine.  She is an E-500 RYT with Yoga Alliance and teaches Aligned Vinyasa in Denver, Co. Even though she is uber-fabulous, she is NOT an Ambassador for Lululemon, and has been promised she will never be one. She is, however, an Ambassador for Kiragrace, yoga clothes from a company with a heart. You can take Michelle with you on your computer or I-thing by downloading her classes from www.yogadownload.com.